Liz's Lair


January 15th, 2019

Writing this is going to be a struggle, but it goes with my overall theme related to MeToo.

A co-worker was recently arrested for trading child porn. He never said or did anything at work that would have given him away.¬† My emotions are a jumble. I have a personal revulsion regarding child porn/abuse. How could someone I worked with do this? I’ve made some wicked comments in the past about what should be done to punish child abusers. Then I see similar comments about someone I know and I cringe. I’m not friends with this person. We just work for the same place. Still, how could someone I know do this?

I work in a profession helping kids. I know I’m not responsible for what other people do, but… others are likely to assume that any of us who worked with him must be like him. People have asked if I had any idea he had these interests. What the hell?!?!? I’d have reported the SOB if I knew. Actually I might have gone off on him if I’d known.

Management where I work is not doing anything to help us cope with the upset this caused. So far their biggest advice has been “don’t respond to the media.” Yeah, that does a lot to help with the sense of betrayal. Kind of feels like what the adults did when I was assaulted as a kid – don’t talk about it and it will go away.

I discovered some details about the kind of stuff he was viewing and trading. I’m grossed out and triggered.


I’m rambling. I need to talk about this, but can’t because of media attention…. *sigh*

worn down by it all

October 3rd, 2018

I came here tonight planning to rant and rave about The Cheeto in the
White House and his ongoing misogynistic behavior. I’m just too worn down by it all.

People wonder why we don’t disclose. I invite them to watch his mocking of Dr. Ford in Mississippi last night. He made it plain. We don’t disclose for fear of what will be said about us and done to us.

He claims men in this country are at risk. Let’s see 2-10% of sexual assault reports are false. One in six women will be sexually assaulted and most don’t report. When I do the math it seems women are far more at risk than men.

Like I said, I’m just too worn down to goon about this…..

possible trigger be ware

September 17th, 2018

If you are a Trump supporter or swearing bothers you stop reading now. I am going to unload here……



Donald Trump Jr. is a piece of crap that did not fall far from the crap tree. Like his father he likes to post shit on social media. Today he mocked the woman who accused Kavanaugh  of sexual assault on Instagram. Could it be that Jr. is as much of an abuser as his piece of shit father?

I’m beyond anger with those who claim women who wait to report assault are lying or looking for attention. WE DON’T DISCLOSE OUT OF FEAR OF BEING ATTACKED FOR DOING SO!!!!

I kept my mouth shut for years. I am getting so sick of hearing ignorant asses doubt the abuse happened because we didn’t report it. Maybe we didn’t disclose because

… family said to stay quiet and not talk about it. If you ignore it, it will just go away!

… so many believe a husband can’t rape his wife. It’s sex in a marriage. That’s okay isn’t it, even if she says no?!?!?

… I came to believe I did something that made it okay. If I didn’t stop the guy it was okay, right?!?!

I didn’t talk about it because I was told to stay quiet. I was afraid I’d be blamed for what happened. I was afraid I wouldn’t be believed.


That worthless, racist, misogynistic asshole in the White House has given his follower tacit permission to spread their hate and abuse. I hope karma comes around and bites him a big one on his fat ass.




from the forums

March 12th, 2018

I posted this in the relationship forum today. I thought it was appropriate for here too…

From where I sit this is not about whether porn is good, bad or whatever. It is about communication and respect.Would it be possible for you and your husband to have an open discussion of the situation? Maybe if you could tell him what about this makes you uncomfortable and he could tell you what needs of his are not being met (if any) the two of you can work out a solution that works for both of you. If he is unwilling to try and resolve the problem I’d consider that a huge red flag.

I’m going to admit that based on my personal experience I learn in favor of the OP in this situation. For those of you who say porn is “normal” and natural, okay, but it becomes a problem when it interferes with a couple’s relationship.

My husband was abusive to me in multiple ways. The final straw for me was his interest in porn. We had not had relations for over a year, except for the night he raped me. It was not that I was not willing to have relations with him. (OK, I was not much interested after being raped) It was that he did not touch me or relate to me that way except for the one exception I mentioned. What disturbed and hurt me was that the women he was viewing on line looked like younger versions of me. So he was happy to pleasure himself with on line versions of me, but was not interested in me. At the time I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me, what should I do differently? I blamed myself for his lack of interest. I’m way healthier today and realize the problem was not with me. It was him!

It was a really rotten day…..

February 28th, 2018

Cheezburger Image 9128656384

I did it!

February 21st, 2018

I finally spoke up about the abuse today.

A co-worker (female!) was saying she did not believe all the women who were coming out 20 years after the fact to accuse men of abusing them. She said she thought they were only doing it for the publicity. I told her that many women don’t disclose for fear of not being believed and/or out of shame. She continued to express the belief the women were doing it to gain something. I looked her in the eye and told her I am one of those women. I’m not out to “gain” anything by it. Well, that’s only partly true. I’m not out to gain publicity or money. I’m trying to “gain” the self worth that was stolen from me.




I’m not positive about this memory. It surfaced during a very dark period in my adult life. I remember being five years old, laying in bed ready to go to sleep when a male someone, maybe an adult, reached in my jammie bottoms and fondled me. They said something like “Doesn’t that feel good?” Like I said, maybe a real memory, maybe not. What I do know is that around the same time I started masturbating in public. That continued until I started junior high. Can you imagine the shame that went with the behavior? Adults would freak out about it and tell me to stop, but no one ever thought to go any further. I thought I was some kind of freak for doing it, but couldn’t seem to stop. It wasn’t until I was an adult I found out it’s a sign of childhood sexual abuse. I’ve never, ever told anyone about this. The shame still lingers even though now I know I was a kid trying to get by.

School years were pure torture. I was short, skinny, smart (girls were not supposed to be smart), socially awkward, had a stupendous overbite and oh-my-god(!) red hair. And to that I masturbated right there in class. The other kids tormented me.

Fast forward to 13 years old. We’d moved, yet again. I was miserable. We’d moved from the suburbs of Chicago to redneck hell in Florida. I’d learned not to masturbate in public anymore, was still skinny, socially awkward, teeth were rotting out of my head, hair was still red, but I wasn’t short anymore. I hit a growth spurt the year before. I went from being one of the shortest kids in class to the tallest. *sigh* Then one day a girl I met at school invited me to go with her when she went to go ride a horse. I’ve been horse nuts since I was born. Count me in! There was this old man who let her ride his horse. While she was riding he groped, fondled and kissed me. Stuck his nasty old tongue in my mouth. Call me naive, but I’d never done anything like that before. Like perverts do, he told me not to tell anyone. I went home, went in my room and started to fall apart. I asked my mom to come in my room so I could talk to her. I told her what happened. She went out and told my father. He went off the rails, was going to take a gun and shoot the SOB. Mom talked him out of that, so he went to his default and got drunk. After that I was encouraged not to talk about it so that it would “go away.” Not talking about it also meant I didn’t give dear old dad a reason to get drunk. Um, do I need to say that drunks don’t need a reason to get drunk?

This second assault was what I told my co-worker about. I told her that I was told to keep my mouth shut about it so I did, but not anymore. She chalked it up to me being a kid. I told her I’d been assaulted as an adult too, but never told anyone. Never pressed charges. Kept my mouth shut, lived with the shame and assumed I had done something to bring it on myself.

I know now it was not my fault. It is not my fault that some jackass can’t keep his dick in his pants. It was not my fault when my husband forced me to have sex. I was not my fault that as a teenager my boss thought it was perfectly acceptable to cop a feel as he walked by. (My parents told me I just had to live with it, because “that’s the way things are.”)



An intro of sorts

February 18th, 2018

I’m still sorting out how this works. Wish there was a way to change the font…

Some of the settings have been changed, such as the rating. I bumped it to a PG13 because I have a potty mouth in real life. In my professional life and the PC forums I keep it reined in. The “real” me can swear life a sailor, frequently drop the F-bomb. Will try to warn folks if a post is going to be foul mouthed, but proceed with caution.

I asked Doc John for permission to have a blog to be able to process my reactions to the Metoo movement. Need I say that posts maybe triggery for those with abuse backgrounds? Again, proceed with caution.

When the Metoo movement started I wanted all those women to just SHUT UP!!! My anger at them confused me. Then I realized that if I listened to their stories I would have to face my own history. The more stories that were in the news the more I fell apart. I’m integrated from DID. I could feel fissures starting internally. My Little One (five year old terrified child) was screaming in terror. My protector alter wanted to kick some ass. I could feel the depression demon rattling its cage.

I talked to my pdoc. He said many of his patients were struggling. That was early December. Somehow, during the holidays a switch flipped in my head. I think it happened when I stopped trying to run from the memories and allowed them to just be. I’m no longer falling apart. I’m mad as hell. Not sure what, if anything, I’m going to do with the anger. What I do know is that I’m no longer trying to suppress it. Also know that anger is a powerful motivator for me.

I’m pleased to be able to say I’m starting to heal. The Little one believes me when I tell her I’ll keep us safe. The Protector is willing to let me take care of things. The depression demon is curled up in its cage again.

Peace out for now….


February 1st, 2018

Bear with me folks. I’m sorting out how this whole thing works. Liz